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Love Shouldn't Hurt – Break the Cycle banner

Violence, whether emotional, physical, or sexual remains a painful and urgent issue in our communities. Too many of our families, relationships, and friendships are touched by cycles of harm that are often passed down in silence. For African Nova Scotians, this is not just a private matter, it's a community matter, shaped by centuries of racism, economic hardship, cultural disconnection, and systemic neglect.

But we are not powerless.

We deserve relationships where love doesn't hurt, where people feel safe to speak up, seek help, and heal. Breaking these cycles starts with awareness, honest conversations, and support that understands who we are and where we come from.

Let's talk about what healthy relationships really look like and how we can build relationships rooted in respect, dignity, and healing.

What is a Healthy Relationship?

A healthy relationship is one where both people feel safe, respected, supported, and free to be themselves. This includes romantic (partners, spouses, dating), familial (parents, siblings, extended family), and platonic (friends, coworkers, mentors) relationships.
In a healthy relationship:

  • You feel valued for who you are, including your interests, values, and cultural background.
  • You can express your feelings honestly without fear of rejection or retaliation.
  • You are free from physical, emotional, or sexual harm.
  • You grow individually and together, with both people committed to self-love and mutual support.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Sign

Mutual Respect
Trust
Effective Communication
Equality
Support
Safety

What It Means

Both people listen, value opinions, and honor each other's boundaries and identities.
You feel secure and can rely on each other without constant doubt or fear.
You express yourselves calmly, listen actively, and resolve disagreements respectfully.
No one dominates; both have equal say in decisions and the direction of the relationship.
You celebrate each other's wins and offer comfort in difficult times.
You feel emotionally and physically safe without fear of being hurt or manipulated.

Signs of an Unhealthy or Abusive Relationship

Sign

Disrespect for Boundaries
Control and Isolation
Manipulation
Verbal or Emotional Abuse
Physical or Sexual Abuse

What It Means

Ignoring your "no," dismissing your needs, or belittling your identity or beliefs.
Monitoring your phone or money, telling you who you can see, or cutting you off from support.
Pressuring or influencing you to make decisions you're not comfortable with.
Name-calling, blame-shifting, or making you feel worthless or invisible.
Hitting, pushing, or engaging in sexual acts without your full, informed consent.

Barriers Black LGBTQIA+ Women Face: Violence, Healing & Healthy Relationships

1. Violence

Black LGBTQIA+ women face compounded risks (dealing with multiple problems or dangers at the same time) of violence stemming from racism, sexism, homophobia, and transphobia.

Some key issues include:

  • Higher risk of intimate partner violence (IPV): Black LGBTQIA+ women especially those who are lesbian, bisexual, or transgender are at higher risk of both emotional and physical abuse, often from partners who exploit their marginalized identity.
  • Hate crimes and state violence: Black trans women, in particular, face extremely high rates of fatal violence, often ignored or misclassified by law enforcement.
    Example of hate crime: When someone is hurt, threatened, or harassed because of who they are like their race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or disability.
    Example of state violence: Harm caused by government systems or people in power
  • Lack of institutional protection: Police may respond with bias, disbelief, or even hostility when Black LGBTQIA+ women seek help. Many avoid law enforcement due to past trauma or systemic mistrust.
  • Invisibility in services: Many shelters, domestic violence hotlines, and advocacy groups are not trained to support LGBTQIA+ survivors, particularly trans women and nonbinary individuals.

2. Healing

  • Limited culturally competent care: Mental health services often lack both racial and LGBTQIA+ affirming frameworks, leaving survivors without safe spaces to process trauma.
  • Spiritual alienation: Many Black LGBTQIA+ women have complex relationships with faith communities that may be healing for others but oppressive to them.
  • Community fragmentation: Feeling marginalized within both Black communities and mainstream LGBTQIA+ spaces can create isolation. They may feel "too Black" in queer spaces and "too queer" in Black spaces.
  • Financial barriers to care: Economic insecurity is higher among LGBTQIA+ individuals, especially Black women, limiting access to therapy, safe housing, or medical care (e.g., gender-affirming care).

3. Healthy Relationships

  • Internalized oppression: Struggles with self-worth due to cultural and religious stigma can undermine relationship boundaries and self-advocacy.
  • Scarcity and safety: Fears about finding partners who are safe, affirming, and also Black and queer can lead to people staying in unhealthy relationships.
  • Visibility and role models: There is a lack of public models of loving, affirming Black LGBTQIA+ relationships, which can make it harder to imagine or believe in that possibility.
  • Social support: Rejection from family or community can reduce access to intergenerational wisdom or practical help in navigating relationships.

Barriers Black Women Face: Violence, Healing & Healthy Relationships

1. Violence

  • Intimate Partner Violence (IPV): Black women experience some of the highest rates of IPV in the U.S., often at the hands of male partners.
  • Sexual violence: High rates of sexual assault, often underreported due to stigma and mistrust of law enforcement.
  • State and institutional violence: Over-policing, medical neglect, and lack of legal protection.
  • Cultural silencing: "Strong Black woman" trope leads to pressure not to disclose abuse or seek help.

2. Healing

  • Stigma around mental health: Cultural pressures and generational trauma make healing difficult.
  • Lack of access to culturally competent care: Providers may not understand the racialized and gendered aspects of trauma.
  • Religious pressure: Some faith-based communities may discourage therapy or professional help, emphasizing prayer or faith alone as solutions.
  • Economic barriers: Limited financial resources can restrict access to quality mental health services and support programs.

Black Women in Canada: Barriers to Safety, Healing & Healthy Relationships

1. Violence

  • Gender-based violence: Black women in Canada are disproportionately affected by intimate partner violence (IPV), sexual assault, and workplace harassment.
  • Institutional violence: Over-policing in Black communities, racial profiling, and under-protection by police and justice systems when Black women report violence.
  • Lack of culturally responsive services: Many shelters and services don't reflect the realities or needs of Black women, leading to distrust or underutilization.
  • Immigration vulnerability: Black immigrant/refugee women may face abuse linked to precarious status, threats of deportation, or lack of knowledge about their rights.

2. Healing

  • Mental health stigma: There is still silence around mental health in many Black communities, rooted in cultural beliefs, shame, or mistrust of institutions.
  • Limited Black therapists: Access to culturally competent, Black, or trauma-informed therapists in Canada is scarce, especially outside major cities.
  • Religious and cultural conflict: Some women struggle with reconciling personal healing with community or religious expectations that discourage therapy or promote silence.
  • Generational trauma: Historical and ongoing impacts of colonialism, slavery, and systemic racism complicate healing processes. This can look different with different generations.

3. Healthy Relationships

  • Unequal relationship dynamics: Socioeconomic disparities and cultural expectations can influence power dynamics, sometimes reinforcing harmful gender roles.
  • Lack of relationship education: Few resources center healthy Black love, boundaries, and communication that reflect Black cultural experiences.
  • Community pressure: Some women stay in unhealthy relationships due to pressure to "keep the family together" or avoid shame.
  • Racism, employment discrimination, and housing inequality can create additional stress in relationships.

Barriers Black LGBTQIA+ People Face in Canada: Violence, Healing & Healthy Relationship

1. Violence

a. Interpersonal Violence
Black LGBTQIA+ individuals face higher rates of intimate partner violence (IPV) and family rejection, particularly when coming out disrupts cultural or religious expectations.

b. Hate Crimes and Harassment
Black queer and trans people, especially trans women and gender-diverse folks, are at a higher risk of harassment, physical assault, and fatal violence, often motivated by anti-Black racism and queer/transphobia.

c. State and Institutional Violence
Black queer and trans people, especially trans women and gender-diverse folks, are at a higher risk of harassment, physical assault, and fatal violence, often motivated by anti-Black racism and queer/transphobia.

  • Policing: Black LGBTQIA+ people are more likely to be criminalized than protected by the police.
  • Legal and immigration systems: Discrimination in custody battles, housing, and asylum claims disproportionately affects queer and trans refugees and migrants from African and Caribbean countries.
  • Medical neglect: Transphobia and anti-Black racism in healthcare systems result in inadequate or denied treatment, including gender-affirming care.

2. Healing

a. Mental Health Access
  • Limited access to culturally and queer-affirming mental health care.
  • Lack of Black LGBTQIA+ therapists or counsellors.
  • Fear of discrimination in therapy spaces deters many from seeking help.

b. Community and Spiritual Disconnection
Many Black LGBTQIA+ people experience exclusion from traditional religious or cultural spaces, which are often central to healing in Black communities.
Some are forced to choose between racial/ethnic identity and queer identity in social or faith-based settings.

c. Poverty and Survival
Due to job discrimination and housing instability, Black LGBTQIA+ people, especially youth often prioritize survival over healing.
Experiences of homelessness and survival sex work are more prevalent among Black trans and queer youth.

3. Healthy Relationships

a. Lack of Visibility and Representation
There are few positive, visible models of Black queer and trans relationships, which affects self-image and relationship expectations

b. Relationship Stigma
Within some Black communities, same-gender or non-binary relationships are still stigmatized, resulting in secrecy, internalized shame, or isolation.

c. Poverty and Survival
Many carry unresolved trauma from family rejection, racism, or violence, making it harder to build healthy connections.
Difficulty setting boundaries or expressing needs may stem from histories of being silenced or invalidated.

d. Unsafe Dating Environments
Dating can be dangerous for Black LGBTQIA+ people, especially trans women and gender-diverse individuals, who risk violence and fetishization.

Moving Toward Liberation

To support healing and healthy relationships for Black LGBTQIA+ people, there must be:

Culturally safe, trauma-informed care led by and for Black LGBTQIA+ communities
Policy reform to ensure protection in policing, healthcare, housing, and immigration
Funding for community-led spaces that center Black queer and trans voices
Public education and representation to challenge stigma and affirm love in all its forms

Barriers Black Men Face: Violence, Healing & Healthy Relationships

While everyone deserves love, safety, and support, Black men often face unique challenges when it comes to discussing violence, asking for emotional support, or building healthy relationships. These challenges are shaped by history, culture, and systemic injustice.

1. Stigma Around Vulnerability

Black men are often raised to "man up" and hide their emotions. Sadness or fear is mistakenly seen as weakness.
Truth: Vulnerability is strength. Expressing emotion is essential to healing and connection.

2. Racial Stereotypes and Over-Policin

Black men are often misjudged as aggressive, making it harder to seek help or be taken seriously as victims. This can discourage reporting abuse or speaking up about harm.

3. Limited Access to Culturally Relevant Support

Many services are not built with Black men's experiences in mind. Without cultural understanding, seeking help can feel unsafe or judgmental.

4. Silence Around Childhood Trauma

Many Black men carry unspoken trauma from neglect or violence. Without safe spaces to talk about it, this pain may remain unhealed and resurface in adult relationships.

5. Pressure to Be the "Strong Provider"

There's intense pressure to always be strong and self-sufficient. This can make it hard to ask for help or focus on emotional wellness.

Moving Forward: Healing Is Possible

Black men deserve compassion, respect, and freedom from pain. Healthy relationships begin with:
Reclaiming vulnerability as a strength.
Challenging toxic ideas about masculinity.
Seeking culturally relevant support.
Replacing silence with connection and brotherhood.

Steps Toward Healthier Relationships
Practice Self-Awareness

Know your needs and values. Reflect on how you want to be treated and how you treat others.

Speak Up Respectfully

Use "I statements to express your feelings. For example, I feel hurt when I'm not listened to. "

Get Support When You Need It

Reach out to a trusted friend, elder, counselor, or support organization that understands your experience.

Take Action: Access Help & Resources
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Disclaimer: This page provides information and support resources. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.